Michael's Musings

November 4, 2010

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of 3 people who did:


FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn't say a word.  He knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.  I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.  He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.  As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically.  The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


You have a creative day.

Michael

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November 3, 2010

What Women Want In a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What WomenWant in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

You have a creative day.

Michael

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November 2, 2010

Well, if you haven't done so (like me) already, today is the day that we vote.

I'm not going to comment, but it will be very interesting to see how many surprises there are tonight.

Now, here are some more comments by children, writing about the ocean:

1) Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?    
Like, really?
(Helen, age 6)                                          
                                                                         
2) I'm not going to write about the ocean.  My baby brother is always 
crying, my dad keeps yelling at my mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy, age 6)                
                                                                    
3) Some fish are dangerous.  Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can   give you a shock.  They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)                                                                                                           
4) When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes  
my willie small.
(Kevin, age 6)  
                                                                                                               
5) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.  Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky, age 8)  
                                                                        
6) On vacation, my mom went water skiing.  She fell off when she was  going very fast.  She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.
(Julie, age 7)                               
                                                                         
7) The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown, I don't know.
(Bobby, age 6)                                         
                                                                      
8) My dad was a sailor on the ocean.  He knows all about the ocean.   
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7) 

You have a creative day.

Michael

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