Michael's Musings

July 20, 2011

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.  I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.  The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.  I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are

You have a creative day.

Michael
 

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July 19, 2011

Jewish Marriage advice "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you.
Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?"

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Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. "Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"

"No Morris, a man should not profit from another man's mistakes," answered the rabbi.

"Are you sure Rabbi?"

"Of course I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi.

"Okay, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?"

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The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
 
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
 
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

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Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."

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A Jewish congregation in suburban Boston honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.  When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed.  He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking?  Where is your respect?  I am the moral leader of our religious community!  I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going?  I'm not angry with you."

You have a creative day.

Michael
 

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July 18, 2011

A TALMUDIC QUESTION

A well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst raises the following question in the hopes that Talmudic scholars might think more about it:

Is it okay for Jews to take Viagra on Shabbat?

One rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.

But another rabbi says that as a medication which adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. However, taking Viagra is taboo during Passover - as well as any other agent that causes things to rise.

Which raises (you'll excuse the expression) yet another question: What blessing does an observant Jew say before taking the Viagra pill?

There is a choice of three blessings:

1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif kfuffim

 -- Bless you Lord for straightening those who are bent.

2. Boruch Atah HaShem yaaleh vyavo

 -- Bless you Lord for causing things to arise and come.

3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim

 -- Bless you Lord for raising the dead.

Amen

You have a creative day.

Michael

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