Michael's Musings

August 2, 2011

The Frog

There  was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.  He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.  Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

 He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.  So THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.  He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.  Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.  After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys.  She will get the disease that I just caught.

"When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home.  On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.  Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S  the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

You have a creative day.

Michael

Comments (0)     

August 1, 2011

JUST A REMINDER:

WHY DOES THIS NOT SURPRISE ME?!

 
Cancel Your Credit Card Before You Die!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.  The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: ' The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: ‘Excuse me?'

Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: ' The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' 

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: ‘No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given) 

Citibank: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: ‘Sure.' (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death.  I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great!  If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank:’ Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help.'

Family Member:  'Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

You have a creative day.

Michael

Comments (0)     

July 29, 2011

Here's an excerpt from my memoir, MY FORTY-FIVE YEARS IN HOLLYWOOD AND HOW I ESCAPED ALIVE, to read and ponder over the weekend:

I never really took any courses in screenwriting or read any books on
the subject, though I had read some scripts to learn the technical format.

I think my knowledge of story structure, character development, dialogue and all the other aspects of what goes into a proper screenplay came from having seen so many movies over the years that I just "absorbed" it.

One of my dearest friends is actress Diane McBain (Ice Palace, Parrish), a major ingenue star of the 1960s. For many years, Diane served as my "sounding board". I would write several pages of a script, and then read them to her over the phone. If she laughed at the right places, I knew I was on the right track.

At one point, Diane decided that she wanted to do some screenwriting, so she started reading books on the subject.

"It's amazing," she told me one day, "how in all of your scripts your
plot points hit on just the right pages. At least, according to these books."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Your story's 'catalyst' hits on page five or six, your 'first turning point' occurs around page twenty-five or so."

"Why did you tell me that?" I said.

"Huh?"

"Now, you've made me aware of the process, and I'm going to be
thinking about it every time I sit down to write a script."

Being aware of "the process" did become a problem for awhile. As
I've said, I do my best work when I am writing "by the seat of my pants".

In other words, once I have a story idea, my key characters and a
very general outline on how the plot will progress, I like to just sit down and write, letting the characters "take me where they will". Structure just seems to take care of itself.

However, after Diane put the thought into my head, for the next
couple of scripts that I wrote, I started editing myself, saying "Oh my
God, did I hit my catalyst on page five or six, my first turning point on
page twenty five?"

Too much knowledge can not only be dangerous. It can also be
distracting.
------------

If you haven't read it already, the book is available in both paperback and Kindle editions at Amazon.com.

You have a creative weekend and I'll be back with you on Monday.

Michael

Comments (0)