Michael's Musings

October 7, 2011

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.  Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
 
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

You have a creative weekend and I will be back with you on Monday.

Michael
 

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October 6, 2011

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.

What they did take, however, was a "generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder." (That's the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, that "it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."

Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.  The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

Taped to the box was this note which said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie.  Sorry we snorted your sister.  No hard feelings.  Have a nice day."

And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts.


Have a creative day.

Michael

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October 5, 2011

Although the traveling part was very tiring, I really enjoyed myself this past weekend at the Ray Courts Hollywood Celebrity Show in Chicago.

Bridget Hanley, Bruce Kimmel and I all sat together and had a lot of fun as the hours went by.

Attendance was not that great, presumably because of the economy.  People seemed to come into the show for specific autographs, then leave.

I sold a dozen books (various titles), two CHEYENNE WARRIOR DVDs and one 8x10 collage of movie posters from films I've written.  Since I was helping her, I also got a commission on Bridget's sales, so I did okay.

I also met some very nice people who were also doing the show: Millie Perkins and Diane Baker from THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK, Pat Priest from THE MUNSTERS, Barry Bostwick and Patricia Quinn from THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, Cindy Williams from LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY and Tracy Roberts from THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERBOY.

Old friends who were there included Dawn Wells (GILLIGAN'S ISLAND), who was at the University of Washington Drama Dept. the same time I was, Clint Walker (CHEYENNE) and actor Robert Dix, son of actor Richard Dix.

The only good thing about the return trip home on Sunday night is that the plane got in a half-hour early, just after 11pm.

Going through Security, the "machine" chose me for a random check.  The agents pulled me aside and did a chemical test on my shoes.

I guess the machine thought I looked like a terrorist.

You have a creative day.

Michael

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