Michael's Musings

March 23, 2011

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________   

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?
 ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.
 _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.  The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


You have a creative day.

Michael

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March 22, 2011

The following was sent to me by a friend:

Barack and Michelle Obama went on a trip to Israel.  During the visit Barack fell ill and died in Jerusalem.

A high official in the Israeli government, in talks with U.S. officials, offered to bury Barack in Israel.  The alternative the officials were told, was to fly his body back to the U.S. for final disposition.  The cost for burial in Israel was $100, the cost for preparation and flight of the body to the U.S. was $1,000,000.

U.S. officials huddled for a few minutes, then said, "We have decided to fly his body back to the U.S."

"Why," asked the Israeli official, "would you spend such a tremendous amount of money when the alternative is so much cheaper?"

"Well," replied the U.S. official, "2,000 years ago a man died and was buried here, and three days later he arose.  We simply can't take the chance."

You have a creative day.

Michael

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March 21, 2011

As you know, I was supposed to attend the Festival of the West this pat weekend, but because of my plane being delayed 5 hours and a subsequent communications mix-up, that appearance was canceled.

Producer Roger Corman had sent me a box of DVDs of CHEYENNE WARRIOR to sign/sell at the event, so rather than send them back to him, I'm offering them to people like yourselves who might be interested in owning a copy.

I am very proud of this film, which stars Kelly Preston, Dan Haggerty, Bo Hopkins and Pato Hoffmann.  Here is a link to the trailer, or if that doesn't work, just copy the following into your browser:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_XUCeLyniQ

The DVD sells for $15.00 + $5.00 shipping.

You can pay me via PayPal ([email protected]).

These are brand new, factory-sealed DVDs, however in order to sign them, I will, of course, have to remove the shrink wrap.

Please let me know if you are interested, and have a creative day.

Michael

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